Where I Learn to Face New Challenges

Now that the holidays are over, we can finally get back to talking about some of my other adventures. When I was still seeing Jerry-the-trainer, Mom had the idea that she was going to try to teach me how to pull a cart. I wasn’t sure exactly what that meant, but in my usual easy-going manner (Mom snorted!) I told her that I would give it a try. Mom first put a harness on me and used a piece of rope to tie an empty gallon plastic bottle behind me. We walked up and down and up and down the street with me dragging the stupid thing, and although every dog in the neighborhood thought I was a big dork, nothing else happened. Mom was worried because she had read in a book that sometimes dogs think they are being chased, but here’s the million dollar question….Why would I be afraid of a plastic bottle, even if it was chasing me? It’s a shame that people think we are such wienies.

So, from there I graduated to two empty plastic gallon bottles (double-dork) and then Mom over time started filling first one bottle, then the other, with water.  Then, she upgraded me to pulling a tire. These activities made so much noise and became such show that the neighborhood dog association began talking about selling tickets. So, anyways, the next time Mom took me to see Jerry, I noticed that he was fooling around with my harness and connecting something, but it wasn’t until he tugged on my leash that I realized there was a big metal devil thing with wheels running after me and I started spazzing out and crying “SAVE ME, MOM, SAVE ME!” Jerry and Mom moved very fast and got the devil thing off me. Then, they let me calm down as I was very shaken up. I thought about asking for a doggie Xanax, but then decided that a nice hamburger might be a better idea.

After a bit, Jerry and Mom told me the metal thing wasn’t a devil but a cart. They put it back on me again, and though I didn’t like it, I only looked back at it every thirty seconds or so. Jerry whispered something to Mom and she went in front of me and started walking and calling my name. I didn’t have time to pay much attention to the cart after that because I was too busy trying to keep up with Mom. Me and the devil cart chased her all around the yard several times. We would have caught her, too, but the devil cart had a tree stump riding on his back, so he was very heavy to pull. In the interest of fairness, I am going to suggest next time that Mom carry a tree stump, too!

At the end of my eight week basic training with Jerry, he decided to give me something really hard for my final exam. He had Mom put me in a “down-stay” and then brought several of his own dogs out in the yard and put them in a down-stay, too, right next to me. That was hard enough, but then he opened the gate to his yard and in walked a rooster and a couple of chickens!  You could have knocked me over with a feather and Mom, too!  I heard her say under her breath, “Oh God, here comes a bloodbath.”  The chickens and rooster clucked and waddled through the yard, but all of us dogs pretty much maintained our position. One or the other of us would start to get up at different times and Mom or Jerry would say “No” and we would lie back down. So I got a big A+ on my final exam and Mom was very proud! Here is a picture in case you think I am telling a big fib.

Where I Develop the Christmas Spirit!!!

Well, I didn’t think I was going to like Christmas and I‘ll tell you why. First of all, Mom kept leaving me at home to do something called shopping. (I would like to bite shopping.)She would leave me at the door telling me that she would be “right back” and come waltzing back in thirty-two years later carrying a bunch of bags in her hands. Also, there were other times when she had to go to something called Christmas parties. I would be mad the whole time she was gone and would plan to wear my evil wolf face when she came through the door, but I was always so happy she was home that I would forget.

Then, Mom got the creepy idea to plant a tree in our house. I am not exactly sure how, but someway this tree was strangely connected to the Santa creature.  It had spooky little lights on it and did not smell like any tree I have ever been around, and believe you me, I have been around quite a few. As if that weren’t enough, she proceeded to hang red and silver balls all over it. Now, as every dog knows, part of our job is to seek, gather and control all balls in our house and yard as well as any within reach.  Humans honestly don’t seem to understand how seriously we take this responsibility. Balls are incredibly fast and sneaky. They fly through the air, they bounce, they race along the ground and worst of all, they try to hide from us. A couple of times, I tried to grab the red and silver balls off the tree-but-not- tree so I could herd the pesky things and then Mom would shake her finger at me! She will be sorry one day when they start to run riot all over the house.

I have already told you about having to pose with the red velvet monster, but there were lots of other Christmas irritations. Mom kept spraying something, she said it was apples and cimanim, and I would spend hours trying to find where the pie was hiding. She played that awful Christmas music till I was ready to stick marshmallows in my ears. And I got awful tired of being good so that Santa Claws would come and see me!

Mom said we were going to celebrate our own family Christmas one night as we always do it a little late. For my supper, I got a can of Merrick’s “Grammy Pot Pie” which was very tasty although I was little bitter about the fact that Mom and Dad were having steak. They also ate carrots and little bushes with a name that sounds like bwoklie which had zero appeal to me. While Mom and Dad were eating, I caught a whiff or two of something interesting that smelled like it was coming from under the imposter tree. There were three paper things lying there that I knew I must have immediately. I jumped up to sniff more closely, but Mom told me to “leave it” and lie down. I did what she said but then something made me jump up again. She had her eye on me, though, and told me to lie down again and "wait.”

After they finished eating, Mom told me that the paper things were presents for me (!!!!) and got down one of them so I could open it. I tried very hard, but at first I had trouble given the simple fact that, you know, I HAVE NO THUMBS!  Finally, Mom got it started for me and away I went. The first one was a yummy rubber chicken, but it unfortunately died quickly after I accidentally chewed its head off.  The second one was a green lizard with a little piece of something sticking out of its mouth. I tried to help the lizard by pulling at it, but the more I pulled, the more stuff came out. Mom thought it was very funny, but to me it was yucky. What was that stuff and where would it all end? Well, the lizard finally died as, without knowing it, I was actually pulling his guts out. I am very sorry, lizard and chicken! My third present was a rubber ball which I love and so far, it is still alive. After all this, Mom gave me a “Frosty Paws” ice-cream for a treat! What a day!  I think I like Christmas after all!