Where I Fuss About Holidays For Rabbits!

Well, I have seen it all now! We have just had another stupid holiday, and, believe it or not, it was a holiday celebrating rabbits! Of all the hare-brained ideas! Why would anyone want to have a holiday for them? Human puppies think rabbits are soft, sweet, cute little animals that bring them baskets of candy, but dogs know better. Rabbits are actually evil, furry little terrorists who live and thrive in darkness. And, not that I’m bitter, but I never saw any rabbit with a basket and none of them ever brought me any candy.

As usual, of course, Mom wanted to dress me up in a dumb old costume. But when she came toward me with a headband of bunny ears, I just flat out said “No.” I mean, you have to draw the line somewhere. What’s next? Is she going to try to dress me like a squirrel? Is she going to make me wear a mailman costume? My reputation is already in shreds, pretty soon I won’t even be accepted in decent society any more.

Mom said “Let’s talk about this.” She told me that she knew I was having trouble catching rabbits although I hadn’t said anything about it. She said with them being so fast and able to hide in tiny places where I can’t fit, that I might not ever be able to catch one. But then, she said, “I have an idea. What if you put on the bunny ears and go out in the yard? Maybe they will think you are a bunny, too, and won’t run away from you and then you can catch one!” Well, I have to say, I never did think about that before. Mom can be pretty smart every once in a while.

So, she put the bunny ears on me and took about 300 pictures which she promised to destroy later on. Then, I went out in my yard and lay down real still so that the rabbits would come over to welcome me and that’s when I would ‘neak up and pounce. Things didn’t work out the way I planned though. I waited and waited and none of them ever came over.  When I squinted, I could see them looking out at me from under the shed and if I didn’t know better, I would swear they were giggling. Who knows why, I swear rabbits never do make any sense. I finally gave up and went back in the house and told Mom somebody must have tipped them off. “We must have a mole,” she said and then it hit me that I just might know who it is. I will probably have to go undercover though, to get the evidence I need, so you might not see me for a while. Now, I have to go figure out my disguise.

Where I Discover That I'm Giant and Have a Huge Head!

When I went out for breakfast this morning, it was already a beautiful day and I was so happy. Mom wouldn’t let me go out in the backyard for about 35 weeks because of all the rain, she kept saying it was too muddy, although why that matters, I have no clue. Anyways, I was like, finally, I can spend all day playing in my yard. I can chase balls and sneak up on the squirrels, talk trash with Reese, the chocolate lab, and race her up and down the fence, and try to get to the rabbits who (most unfairly) hide away under a stupid shed where I can’t reach them. And it was while I was dreaming about all this that Mom dropped the bomb. She said I had to go have a bath today. REALLY? You’ve got to be kidding! Somehow, I get the feeling that my play schedule is not regarded as seriously as it deserves by one who shall remain nameless.

So, off we go. My bath place, called the Hound’s Tooth, has moved since the last time we went there, Mom said it’s now on Taylorsville Road.  It is much bigger and brighter than their other home and everything is brand spanking new. My friends, Carla and Jeramie were waiting there and were so excited to see me. I got lots of kisses from them both  and they called me their “baby” and “little man” and told me how handsome I was, all of which was true, of course, but did go some way toward soothing this savage beast.

Mom went off and left me there, which was OK, because she knows Carla and Jeramie and knows they love me and are nice to me whether she is there or not. So, they brushed about 1,000 pounds of hair off me which they call “getting fumigated,” and gave me a bath with shampoo that makes me not so itchy. I was nice and clean and it felt pretty good although I will never admit it to Mom. They did lots of other things, too, but fellow dogs listen up! They are a couple of odd things I have to mention. Carla and Jeramie seem to have a strange obsession with wanting to cut on my toenails. It doesn’t hurt, but I usually whine when this is going on as a form of protest and today, I even gave Jeramie a love-nip on his ear. Also, sometimes they stick a weird, fuzzy brush in my mouth and move it around, but I don’t mind this too much because I eat the paste which is yummy. This time, they sprayed some stuff in my mouth, too, and chipped some yucky gunk off my teeth. I am not sure what to think about these strange behaviors, I would sure hate to think my good friends are going koo-koo.

Mom wanted to take a picture of me, all cleaned up, with Carla and Jeramie so she made me lie down and wait because a man came in the door just then to pick up his dog. The man started petting me and told Mom “Boy, I would sure hate to be around if he got mad” and I puffed my chest out a little bit to show him how fierce I was. Then he said, “What does he weigh, about 105 pounds?” I thought he was kidding, at first, but then I saw that he was serious! Did he mistake me for an elyphant? I only weigh 85. Mom made it worse because she said people thought I was bigger than I was because I was so tall and HAD A HUGE HEAD!!!! Thanks a lot, Mom!

Does anybody know where I can find somebody named Jenny Craig? Oh, and maybe  a head-shrinker?