Where I Have a Wonderful Thanksgiving Day!

Fans, I hope all of you had a great turkey day like I did. Yesterday was just a wonderful day for me! First of all, my Mom and Dad stayed home with me all day long. The sun was shining and the air was just right, cool but not too hot and not too cold. There was no stupid rain to make things muddy so I got to go out in the backyard and Mom hit 3,200 balls for me to chase. Instead of kibble for supper, I got a can of Merrick "Thanksgiving Dinner" which had turkey, sweet potatoes, carrots, green beans and apples in it, plus a cookie for dessert. It was the bomb. After that, we had family stop by last night and Brian and Megan played with me and gave me a ton of belly-rubs and heinie-butts. Finally, when I was sleepy and ready to take a little nap, I got to snuggle with Mom which put the icing on the cake of my day! Who could ask for anything more?

Where I Graduated From Obedience Summa Cum Doggee

When Mom first mentioned obedience class, I wasn’t exactly sure what it was, but I didn’t mind the idea of going. The truth was that I’d rather be with her doing nothing than by myself doing pretty much anything. And if she needed help with obedience, how could that be bad? So, she signed us up for a six week course at Feeders Supply. I will never forget that first night when we walked in to what looked like a convention for giant dogs. Of the eight or ten dogs there, nine started talking trash as soon as they saw me. They barked “COME ON, TOUGH GUY, MAKE MY DAY!” and “MY FANGS IN YOUR THROAT ARE GOING TO BE THE LAST THING YOU FEEL, PUNK!”  plus other rude and nasty things. Mom pulled me over to one side before I could have them for breakfast, but I couldn’t help thinking if the class was going to teach manners, there were a few dogs that were definitely in the right place.

The first class was mostly to let us meet everybody. Then, we worked on looking at our Moms or Dads when they said our names and coming when we were called. We also spent a lot of time on “sits” which I already knew. Mom was a little slow in that department, though, I don’t think she ever did learn how to sit on command. I got lots of cookies for my performance, but I don’t think she got a single one.

Class two almost started out as a disaster. They told us the week before not to wear harnesses as they encourage pulling, so Mom put a collar on me for this class. But I was so excited when we got out of the car that I was pulling her at a run and almost made her fall. Mom said I had to have a harness as she couldn’t afford any broken bones so the people doing the class suggested a better harness. We spent the rest of the time practicing “sits” (for the slow ones, shhh!, don’t tell Mom) and “downs” at which I was a pro and not pulling at which I sucked.

It was around the third week that I realized we had we had a problem dog, a female Swissy, in the mix. I was not exactly sure why I didn’t like her, I just knew she was trouble. She kept staring at me, so I growled at her real mean a couple of times. Then, we did exercises to practice all the commands we had already learned and the teachers talked about prissy things like grooming.

During week four, they taught “leave it” and “drop it” which I already knew and I did OK with those. (Poor Mom, I am afraid she is not going to get to graduate…I think she is hoping to slide through on my performance and will be crushed if she is given an “F” on her Pawgress Report.) They also talked about different kinds of dog food at the end and I offered to be a taste-tester, but they said they weren’t taking any applications at that point.

Week five was memorable because that was the time I got assaulted by a plastic bottle. The Swissy continued to stare at me and I continued to growl at her so finally one of the teachers smacked me on the nose with a water bottle. I was like “What the freak just happened?” and then I realized that she must have hit me by mistake, she had to be aiming for the Swissy. I kissed the teacher on the cheek to let her know all was forgiven, but just to be on the safe side, I only growled under my breath from then on and gave the bottle a wide berth.

On the last week, we reviewed everything we had learned or not learned. Then, we all had time to show off doing at trick we had practiced. My trick was Mom pitching a ball, me catching it and then dunking it in a basket. I think they knew enough at that point not to expect a trick from Mom. Then, we did something called “agility” to finish off the night. We jumped over rails and ran up and down little mountains and, scariest of all, we had to run through big tubes called tunnels. I bit the tunnels several times so that they knew they better not try to mess with me.

Anyways, after all that, they passed out our diplomas with our name on them. I had them put Mom’s name on my diploma so she wouldn’t be too upset about not passing. Then, we said goodbye to everybody but the Swissy, and I headed home with my first advanced degree under my belt.

Where I Talk About My Shady Past

Friends, you probably don’t know this, but as it happens, I have a rather shady past. I am ashamed to say that I haven’t always been the good boy that I am now. When I first came to live with Mom and Dad, I wasn’t sure about anything and so I tried not to cause any problems. But it wasn’t long before I started to feel more comfortable, like I was in my own home, and about the same time, Mom said I must have gotten a burst of hormones (whatever those are) because I started acting like a “mouthy teenager.” I would try to argue with Mom and Dad because, well… Mom was soft and Dad was sick so I decided since I was a man, I had better start running things for them.  “Bad to the Bone” became my favorite song.

Mom worried that maybe I needed more exercise, so she signed me up for something called “doggie daycare. Despite the sissy name, I didn’t actually mind going too much because I got to go bye-bye in the car and though it wasn’t the most exciting thing to do, it was better than a kick in the pants as they say. I was in a room with other big dogs for most of the day with a few breaks for food and walks and naps. They wouldn’t give us any toys or balls to play with in the big room, though, and once you take those away, what’s the point? So, Mom decided to try out a different day care and that’s where I started to get my bad reputation.  All the big and little dogs in this day care were mixed together and it was way more fun in some ways. They had a GIANT yard and we could chase each other and chase balls and all kinds of things, but there was nowhere for you to go to get away when you were tired and wanted to take a nap. Plus, they had some dogs there who didn’t want to listen to me and do what I told them, so two different times I had to nip a troublemaker to keep them in line. You would think that the daycare would appreciate my efforts on their behalf, but they didn’t. That’s right…. I got kicked out of doggy daycare.

I’ll talk more about this another time, but Mom had started early taking me to an obedience class up at Feeders. But I couldn’t see any difference in her and I was getting in deeper and deeper trouble at home all the time.  I started standing in front of Dad when he walked down the hallway and when he yelled at me to move, I would bark at him. One time I chewed on his big toe just because it looked so delicious. Also, I wouldn’t pay attention to Mom and if she was doing something I didn’t like, I would grumble or growl at her. I never showed any teeth or anything, but she didn’t like it. And I stood on my back legs and tried to look as dangerous as I could and barked really LOUD if anything or anyone came near my back yard, even the neighbors who I saw a thousand times a day. I figured it was my job to defend the yard and I couldn’t be too careful. Mom tried to tell me to stop but I was in my zone and wouldn’t listen. So, she tried other things which would have been funny if I had been able to laugh. She tried dragging me away, but I was so much stronger than her. She tried throwing tennis balls at me to get my attention but she almost always missed. She tried swatting me with something called a fly-swatter that I couldn’t even feel and finally got the idea to throw water at me. I have to admit, that last one did make me stop for a minute but then I thought “What the heck! I don’t care if I’m wet.” and so that stopped working, too.

Mom decided to get a trainer since she and Dad hadn’t learned from the obedience class that I was the boss.  The first trainer didn’t work out too well, though, so Mom decided to go up to Feeders and buy an electric collar. While she was up there, one of the store helpers gave her a card that had the name of another trainer on it in case she wanted to try someone else. The helper said his name was Jerry and he was very good. Mom came home and tried using the collar on her arm and turning it up to see what it felt like, but she said there wasn’t much to it. Then, she put it on me and it just kind of felt like a little tickle or itch around my neck. Anyways, that didn’t work either, so we were back to where we started. So, that’s when she decided to call Jerry-the trainer to see if he could help………….. ZZZzzz-ah-ZZZzxxx  ZZZZzzz-ah-zzzZZ  zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…..

I’ll see you guys later. I’m getting awfully sleepy, I think I’m going to go climb in bed and go nite-nite. Mom, can you fix my bed for me and tuck me in?  

Where I Appear in Costume & Introduce Two Homeless Shepherds

Hi Guys!  At the risk of beating a dead horse, I have one more thing to say about Halloween.  I think it’s finally time to put everybody out of their misery and reveal my secret identity as a crime-busting canine. Mom thinks the pictures turned out really good and I wrote a poem to go along with them. CAUTION: Laugh at your own risk, you may wake up to find a shepherd chewing on your toes if you’re not careful.

I am a caped crusader, a strong and mighty foe

Defender of the helpless and always in the know.

So do not fear the evil of ghouls and devil spawn

Just give a yelp if you need help and Batdog will respond.

 

OK, so last week I said I was going to introduce you to a couple of dogs who need homes. The first is a German Shepherd dog named Sheena. Wait a minute…wasn’t she in a movie? I got it, that’s right, Sheena, Queen of the Jungle! I wonder what in the world a movie star dog would be doing in need of home? Anyways, Sheena is a fifteen months old baby girl (Duh!). She weighs 47 pounds, is black all over and quite a looker if you ask me. They tell me she is frightened around people she doesn’t know and any loud noises or sudden movements scare her. Those Hollywood people must have really done a number on her, I guess. But get this! Sheena has been part of that prison program where they match up dogs with inmates, I think they are trying to teach inmates not to bite. He has taught her lots of things, too, so she knows most of her basic stuff like “Sit” and “Down,” but she will only do what you say if she feels safe with you. They say once Sheena learns to trust you, she will bond with you like superglue….and she does do well with other dogs. I think Sheena needs a home with a strong alpha that doesn’t like noise and has a lot of patience…like me! (Mom laughed) Probably a home with no human puppies would be best.

Toby is my second assignment, but he wants to talk for himself, so I’ll turn the floor over to him.

Hey Newlie! Can I be on your blog too?      I am a great guy but I’ve been stuck in a kennel for 4 months.     And you understand what that’s like. I went through Camp Canine 4 years ago and then this really nice lady adopted me.    I tried to eat her yorkie when I got to the house,   he was just the right size for a snack.    Not sure what went wrong, but my new mom got mad at me.    We had a heart to heart and the little fuzz ball and I learned how to get along.   My new mom was really dedicated to me and put in one of those invisible fences.    That was not much fun.   Zap! Zap! Zap!.     But I got the hang of it.    Just wait a few months and then the zaps fizzle out – If I was patient I could just run through it.   And oh what fun that was.    My mom has lots of woods in her back yard.    Once I learned I could go through the fence,   I’d run to the woods,   roll in dead animals and come home to show my mom!   But guess what,    that didn’t go over well either.    Those humans have funny noses,   they just don’t appreciate what we dogs do.    At any rate,   after four years, my mom just couldn’t put up with me anymore.    She says she would worry about me when I got loose, but I think it was my antics in the woods that did it.    The nice people at the Humane Society took me back but they haven’t had any luck getting someone to consider me.   You look like a great, upstanding guy.    And you know that shepherds are great companions.    Maybe you could spread the word?   Your friend, Toby

Anyone interested in either Sheena or Toby, please bark at the Humane Society of Oldham County, (502)222-7537, and say Newlie sent you.

 

Where I Am Entered in a Halloween Contest

It has been so long since I wrote that you are probably wondering if I was dognapped or something. I am actually fine, but my mom has been acting crazy for the last couple of weeks. She has been so busy trying that stupid Halloween costume on me and then taking it off and sticking needles in it that she didn’t have time to write down what I was saying. To tell you the truth, I wondered what the needle business was all about, like if she was doing voodoo on me or something, but she said she was sewing on my costume because part of it was too long. I didn’t know Moms’ cussed, sewing must be hard work. Then, she took me up to the Hounds Tooth to get a bath of all things. I swear she is obsessed with being clean. I just had a bath about two months ago, I wasn’t even dirty. Besides washing you, they clean your ears and brush your teeth and clip your toenails and all kinds of personal things that I would rather not mention. Then, they started in with putting the dumb costume on me and making me pose for about a thousand pictures!!! I mean, I like everybody there, don’t get me wrong, they are all super nice to me especially Carla who calls me her baby and gives me kisses. But geez, somebody give a break!

Mom finally came to get me and loaded me in the car, still in that dang costume. I thought we were finally going home to do what really mattered, namely pooping and playing ball, but NOOOOOOO! She took me over to Feeders Supply where, to my disgust, I saw millions of other dogs in costumes. That’s when I found out that Mom had entered me in the Feeders “Howl-O-Ween Contest. I felt like I was in the middle of a nightmare. So, we go in and at first all I see are all these little dogs pretending to be hotdogs and such and then, me, the lone giant and I was humiliated. But a few minutes later, I saw my friend, Jerry-the-trainer, and he had several of his huge Dane dogs in costume with him and I felt a little better. Still, I was so freaking hot in that costume and Mom kept making me lie down instead of letting me circulate. I never did get a chance to make time with that pretty Golden who was giving me the eye. Anyways, we all had to parade around in front of judges and I didn’t get picked. The three winners were the Dane dressed like a camel, the boxer dressed in boxing clothes and a little dog dressed as a Chia Pet, whatever that is. But Mom said I was still number one in her book even if I didn’t win.

On the big night itself, Mom came rushing in from work and got me dressed in my costume again. I lay there like a giant dog-mat in front of the door for 22 hours and we had one human puppy come by in all that time and that was Meg who lives next door. I am sure there is a lesson in there somewhere, but I haven’t figured it out yet. Mom is already planning for next year, but I think we better skip Halloween and go straight to Turkey Day, now that’s my kind of holiday! And nobody better get any ideas about dressing me up as a fat bird or blood is going to flow.

By the way, I know I promised you pictures of me and a couple of friends who need homes last time, but there was some sort of glitch with the pictures and that’s another reason why we are late. They should be coming soon and Mom will post them for me as soon as they come in.