Where I Talk About My Shady Past

Friends, you probably don’t know this, but as it happens, I have a rather shady past. I am ashamed to say that I haven’t always been the good boy that I am now. When I first came to live with Mom and Dad, I wasn’t sure about anything and so I tried not to cause any problems. But it wasn’t long before I started to feel more comfortable, like I was in my own home, and about the same time, Mom said I must have gotten a burst of hormones (whatever those are) because I started acting like a “mouthy teenager.” I would try to argue with Mom and Dad because, well… Mom was soft and Dad was sick so I decided since I was a man, I had better start running things for them.  “Bad to the Bone” became my favorite song.

Mom worried that maybe I needed more exercise, so she signed me up for something called “doggie daycare. Despite the sissy name, I didn’t actually mind going too much because I got to go bye-bye in the car and though it wasn’t the most exciting thing to do, it was better than a kick in the pants as they say. I was in a room with other big dogs for most of the day with a few breaks for food and walks and naps. They wouldn’t give us any toys or balls to play with in the big room, though, and once you take those away, what’s the point? So, Mom decided to try out a different day care and that’s where I started to get my bad reputation.  All the big and little dogs in this day care were mixed together and it was way more fun in some ways. They had a GIANT yard and we could chase each other and chase balls and all kinds of things, but there was nowhere for you to go to get away when you were tired and wanted to take a nap. Plus, they had some dogs there who didn’t want to listen to me and do what I told them, so two different times I had to nip a troublemaker to keep them in line. You would think that the daycare would appreciate my efforts on their behalf, but they didn’t. That’s right…. I got kicked out of doggy daycare.

I’ll talk more about this another time, but Mom had started early taking me to an obedience class up at Feeders. But I couldn’t see any difference in her and I was getting in deeper and deeper trouble at home all the time.  I started standing in front of Dad when he walked down the hallway and when he yelled at me to move, I would bark at him. One time I chewed on his big toe just because it looked so delicious. Also, I wouldn’t pay attention to Mom and if she was doing something I didn’t like, I would grumble or growl at her. I never showed any teeth or anything, but she didn’t like it. And I stood on my back legs and tried to look as dangerous as I could and barked really LOUD if anything or anyone came near my back yard, even the neighbors who I saw a thousand times a day. I figured it was my job to defend the yard and I couldn’t be too careful. Mom tried to tell me to stop but I was in my zone and wouldn’t listen. So, she tried other things which would have been funny if I had been able to laugh. She tried dragging me away, but I was so much stronger than her. She tried throwing tennis balls at me to get my attention but she almost always missed. She tried swatting me with something called a fly-swatter that I couldn’t even feel and finally got the idea to throw water at me. I have to admit, that last one did make me stop for a minute but then I thought “What the heck! I don’t care if I’m wet.” and so that stopped working, too.

Mom decided to get a trainer since she and Dad hadn’t learned from the obedience class that I was the boss.  The first trainer didn’t work out too well, though, so Mom decided to go up to Feeders and buy an electric collar. While she was up there, one of the store helpers gave her a card that had the name of another trainer on it in case she wanted to try someone else. The helper said his name was Jerry and he was very good. Mom came home and tried using the collar on her arm and turning it up to see what it felt like, but she said there wasn’t much to it. Then, she put it on me and it just kind of felt like a little tickle or itch around my neck. Anyways, that didn’t work either, so we were back to where we started. So, that’s when she decided to call Jerry-the trainer to see if he could help………….. ZZZzzz-ah-ZZZzxxx  ZZZZzzz-ah-zzzZZ  zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…..

I’ll see you guys later. I’m getting awfully sleepy, I think I’m going to go climb in bed and go nite-nite. Mom, can you fix my bed for me and tuck me in?